I would never use harsh words about you in front of the boys... I try to be nice. I try to remember it's not you who is gone but it is the fault of the drugs, alcohol, whatever it is that you are doing out there... those things are the things making you choose to not be here. You, under it all, are still good. Tonight, I am really angry at those things.
When I have to yell at the boys, night after night for fighting and then I have to take a perfectly good night and yell at Jacob for something irresponsible that he does, and he still gets those HUGE crocodile tears in his eyes even at 11.... it is so hard for me not to yell and scream at you. I want to hate you. I want to say bad things. I want to call you so many bad words right now.
That is what you have missed today. You have missed the opportunity to be the parent that I have always needed from you. The one that can take a look at me when I am angry and set me down and tell me to stay while you go "fix" it. We always did manage to work well together that way. When I failed, you picked me up. Tonight, I needed that. I needed a father for my boys tonight, and where were you exactly? UGH - see.... I try so hard to not ask those questions. I try so hard to tell myself that it doesn't matter I can do this without you. The truth is, how am I supposed to be raising YOUR CHILDREN without you? They are HALF of you. I think that means I need you to help me raise the half of them that I don't understand.
I am failing. There is going to come a day those boys are going to hate me so much for the mess I have created in their lives. They are going to look back at all of these days when I have failed so miserably as a father and ask me why I needed to walk away from you. They are going to yell at me and blame me and tell me it is all my fault that they turned out the way they did. I play that over and over in my head. Kind of like the way you used to tell me over and over how much you blamed your Dad for things in your life.
I hope that I can do better for our boys, even if you are gone forever, but I know in my gut that they would be so much better if something inside of you would just wake up so you could be here. I am not sure how you would fit here but somewhere, somehow they need you here... and more and more I am starting to believe that I do too.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
To Begin
To tell you everything that you have missed in the last 2 years would not only be difficult, but I suspect I would miss a few things a long the way. So I have decided instead that this would be the beginning, right here, right now. After all, I do believe that it was somewhere around this time, two years ago, that we had that phone call regarding what was supposed to be your last visitation with your children. So I guess this is as good of time as any to begin.
It is hard to believe that it has been that long though, two years for you to not see them just doesn't seem right to me. You were the one who used to feel like dying if they, well mostly Jacob because Kyle was just too little, but if Jacob spent the night at a friends house you were dying to get him back home because you missed him so much. Those boys were your world.
Strange enough I was reading some stories out of my other blog to Jacob the other night. He asked me to tell him some stories about him. One of them I chose, I had forgotten how it went. I had to stop reading it because it made him cry. It was a story about how much he idolized you. He copied the way you ate, talked, sat, everything. He was definately your little "mini-me".
That boy. He misses you.
He is getting so tall. He has grown nearly 6 inches since last January. Kyle is still my little guy. But then again, I am guessing he has grown a lot in two years too. I think Jacob will be catching up with me in no time at all. He is already up to my shoulders I am certain and Kyle? Well, I don't know but he is the perfect height for hugging :) He still hugs me every day when I come home from work and asks me how my day was. I guess he doesn't ask me as many questions about you as Jacob does. Not that he doesn't miss you I am sure, but he was so much younger and I think the biggest impact affects Jacob. He asks me everyday.
There are days i think Jacob asks me questions because I think he is afraid he is forgetting who you were and what you looked like. Then there are days he brings you up because I am certain he wants to make it clear that even if you are not here you are still his Dad. He tells everyone, all the time, that he gets his looks and his personality from you. To be honest, I know he looks just like you but I think a lot of his personality is a unique twist of your outgoing nature and his fear of making both of our mistakes. He gets good grades in school but not the straight A's of his Mom. His teacher tells me though he is an amazing kid. She tells me he gets along with everyone so well and that when it comes to group projects all the kids want to work with him and that is an amazing dynamic in his personality - something I like to believe he gets from you. After all, I was the cowardly one.
Kyle, he has the world wrapped around his little finger just like he had you. He still has that charm, smile and sweetness that makes you fall in love with him but get him mad and WOOO watch out! Talk about a temper! He will run to his room and slam that door! And if it is Jacob that makes him mad - he comes out swinging! I have to stop those two from killing eachother. They are worse than Travis and Alex ever were when it comes to fighting!
Speaking of Travis and Alex, I know the three of you never really got along that well, but I thought you might like to know how they are. Travis is a freshman this year at the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee he is studying Architecture and is doig amazing! He is really coming out of his shell - with the help of an increible roommate. It's so great to watch him. Alex is a sophomore this year and has had a really rough year. I don't know if you remember his best friend MIchael (the boy with the red curly hair that was always over playing wrestling and stuff with the kids?) he moved away to Arizona and that really sucked. On top of that there has just been a number of other issues. We have worked together on some things but it has been very challenging for him. Mentally, I guess you could say he has inherited my downfalls, which kills me to no end.... I just pray he gets through things better than I ever did.
Anyway. I guess that is all for this morning. I will write more as time goes on. I hope where ever you are, whatever it is you are doing, some day you will remember the man inside of you, the one we pray for here, will wake up and desire to break free from the things that are holding you back from the children that I know you so desperately love.
It is hard to believe that it has been that long though, two years for you to not see them just doesn't seem right to me. You were the one who used to feel like dying if they, well mostly Jacob because Kyle was just too little, but if Jacob spent the night at a friends house you were dying to get him back home because you missed him so much. Those boys were your world.
Strange enough I was reading some stories out of my other blog to Jacob the other night. He asked me to tell him some stories about him. One of them I chose, I had forgotten how it went. I had to stop reading it because it made him cry. It was a story about how much he idolized you. He copied the way you ate, talked, sat, everything. He was definately your little "mini-me".
That boy. He misses you.
He is getting so tall. He has grown nearly 6 inches since last January. Kyle is still my little guy. But then again, I am guessing he has grown a lot in two years too. I think Jacob will be catching up with me in no time at all. He is already up to my shoulders I am certain and Kyle? Well, I don't know but he is the perfect height for hugging :) He still hugs me every day when I come home from work and asks me how my day was. I guess he doesn't ask me as many questions about you as Jacob does. Not that he doesn't miss you I am sure, but he was so much younger and I think the biggest impact affects Jacob. He asks me everyday.
There are days i think Jacob asks me questions because I think he is afraid he is forgetting who you were and what you looked like. Then there are days he brings you up because I am certain he wants to make it clear that even if you are not here you are still his Dad. He tells everyone, all the time, that he gets his looks and his personality from you. To be honest, I know he looks just like you but I think a lot of his personality is a unique twist of your outgoing nature and his fear of making both of our mistakes. He gets good grades in school but not the straight A's of his Mom. His teacher tells me though he is an amazing kid. She tells me he gets along with everyone so well and that when it comes to group projects all the kids want to work with him and that is an amazing dynamic in his personality - something I like to believe he gets from you. After all, I was the cowardly one.
Kyle, he has the world wrapped around his little finger just like he had you. He still has that charm, smile and sweetness that makes you fall in love with him but get him mad and WOOO watch out! Talk about a temper! He will run to his room and slam that door! And if it is Jacob that makes him mad - he comes out swinging! I have to stop those two from killing eachother. They are worse than Travis and Alex ever were when it comes to fighting!
Speaking of Travis and Alex, I know the three of you never really got along that well, but I thought you might like to know how they are. Travis is a freshman this year at the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee he is studying Architecture and is doig amazing! He is really coming out of his shell - with the help of an increible roommate. It's so great to watch him. Alex is a sophomore this year and has had a really rough year. I don't know if you remember his best friend MIchael (the boy with the red curly hair that was always over playing wrestling and stuff with the kids?) he moved away to Arizona and that really sucked. On top of that there has just been a number of other issues. We have worked together on some things but it has been very challenging for him. Mentally, I guess you could say he has inherited my downfalls, which kills me to no end.... I just pray he gets through things better than I ever did.
Anyway. I guess that is all for this morning. I will write more as time goes on. I hope where ever you are, whatever it is you are doing, some day you will remember the man inside of you, the one we pray for here, will wake up and desire to break free from the things that are holding you back from the children that I know you so desperately love.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Why? Why Write Now?
Jacob and Kyle's Dad and I were married for almost 10 years. He was a wonderful man and an incredible father, but sometimes no matter how much two people love another, there are some things that love just can't fix. One of the most heart breaking parts for all of us is that when Mark moved away, he chose to move far away and he got caught up in a lifestyle that was not something that was suitable for caring for his two children... Our marriage came to end, the sad part was so did our family. Never will I speak a harsh word to Jacob and Kyle about their Dad - Honest words, yes, but mean and hateful? no. That is their father and underneathe it all, he is still the man I loved enough to marry and to share a life with, to have children with and to have a dream of growing old with... somewhere, under all of that, I know he is still there, he has just missed a little bit of life....
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