To Begin

To tell you everything that you have missed in the last 2 years would not only be difficult, but I suspect I would miss a few things a long the way.  So I have decided instead that this would be the beginning, right here, right now.  After all, I do believe that it was somewhere around this time, two years ago, that we had that phone call regarding what was supposed to be your last visitation with your children.  So I guess this is as good of time as any to begin.

It is hard to believe that it has been that long though, two years for you to not see them just doesn't seem right to me.  You were the one who used to feel like dying if they, well mostly Jacob because Kyle was just too little, but if Jacob spent the night at a friends house you were dying to get him back home because you missed him so much.  Those boys were your world. 

Strange enough I was reading some stories out of my other blog to Jacob the other night.  He asked me to tell him some stories about him.  One of them I chose, I had forgotten how it went.  I had to stop reading it because it made him cry.  It was a story about how much he idolized you.  He copied the way you ate, talked, sat, everything.  He was definately your little "mini-me". 

That boy.  He misses you.

He is getting so tall.  He has grown nearly 6 inches since last January.  Kyle is still my little guy. But then again, I am guessing he has grown a lot in two years too. I think Jacob will be catching up with me in no time at all. He is already up to my shoulders I am certain and Kyle? Well, I don't know but he is the perfect height for hugging :)  He still hugs me every day when I come home from work and asks me how my day was.  I guess he doesn't ask me as many questions about you as Jacob does.  Not that he doesn't miss you I am sure, but he was so much younger and I think the biggest impact affects Jacob.  He asks me everyday.

There are days i think Jacob asks me questions because I think he is afraid he is forgetting who you were and what you looked like.  Then there are days he brings you up because I am certain he wants to make it clear that even if you are not here you are still his Dad. He tells everyone, all the time, that he gets his looks and his personality from you.  To be honest, I know he looks just like you but I think a lot of his personality is a unique twist of your outgoing nature and his fear of making both of our mistakes.  He gets good grades in school but not the straight A's of his Mom. His teacher tells me though he is an amazing kid.  She tells me he gets along with everyone so well and that when it comes to group projects all the kids want to work with him and that is an amazing dynamic in his personality - something I like to believe he gets from you.  After all, I was the cowardly one.

Kyle, he has the world wrapped around his little finger just like he had you.  He still has that charm, smile and sweetness that makes you fall in love with him but get him mad and WOOO watch out! Talk about a temper! He will run to his room and slam that door! And if it is Jacob that makes him mad - he comes out swinging! I have to stop those two from killing eachother.  They are worse than Travis and Alex ever were when it comes to fighting!

Speaking of Travis and Alex, I know the three of you never really got along that well, but I thought you might like to know how they are.  Travis is a freshman this year at the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee he is studying Architecture and is doig amazing! He is really coming out of his shell - with the help of an increible roommate.  It's so great to watch him.  Alex is a sophomore this year and has had a really rough year.  I don't know if you remember his best friend MIchael (the boy with the red curly hair that was always over playing wrestling and stuff with the kids?) he moved away to Arizona and that really sucked.  On top of that there has just been a number of other issues.  We have worked together on some things but it has been very challenging for him.  Mentally, I guess you could say he has inherited my downfalls, which kills me to no end....  I just pray he gets through things better than I ever did.

Anyway. I guess that is all for this morning.  I will write more as time goes on.  I hope where ever you are, whatever it is you are doing, some day you will remember the man inside of you, the one we pray for here, will wake up and desire to break free from the things that are holding you back from the children that I know you so desperately love.